Daughter, Sister, Mother, Aunt, Social Worker………
Each of us have caregiving roles in our lives. We aren’t all parents. Your care giving may be to a furry baby, an elderly neighbor, or a spouse who is ill and requires your care and attention. Caregiving is exhausting. If there were ever a time to embrace self-care, it is in the midst of giving care to another.
Studies indicate that caregiving can actually be hazardous to your health! Single parents, parents of special needs children, caregivers for those with terminal illness, dementia, a new baby, ALL are providers of care to one less able or fortunate. What do all these caregivers have in common? They (we) are all unpaid. Sometimes our hard work goes unappreciated. Much of the care our loved ones receive is completed while we are also working, caring for others, trying to maintain friendships and a household, buy groceries, take care of the dog, have some clean clothes, and enjoy life! It is HARD WORK.
This past year was one of the most trying I have ever experienced. I don’t say this for pity or attention, merely stating facts. This year SUCKED. I got divorced. My Jamaican best friend’s son died in a tragic accident and my mother’s dementia progressed. My daughter began to self-harm through cutting and required two inpatient hospitalizations. She also needed a tonsillectomy and a ligament repair of her knee just five months apart. She will complete the remainder of her academic year via E-learning coping with isolation and stigma. You might say her year sucked more than mine!
In the midst of all this, I began a new job in a new healthcare system that is less user friendly than any I have experienced. I was afraid I would not keep my head afloat. People close to me shake their heads and ask how to help……but these were all things I had to manage on my own. So, how did I tread water?
#1 This too shall pass…..
It’s cliche, I know. But the reality is that I have been through some pretty rough times in my life. I made it. I was divorced once before. My Dad died just four days before my daughter was born. I was a single mother with my daughter for six years. Those experiences all made me tougher, more resilient. They made me the woman I am today. And here I am to tell you about it. Remember this cliche, because it is all too accurate.
#2 You are not alone.
I mean, you might be alone, literally. But you’re not on this earth alone! There are so many ways to reach out to people these days. Facebook keeps us all so well connected. There were days that a simple, ‘I’m here for you’ from an old friend or the ability to message someone I see experiencing similar events can be incredibly helpful. Not to mention those 200 Happy Birthday wishes from near and far….they just about make my year. Better yet, pick up the phone, grab a coffee or beer with a friend.
#3 Find a Support Group
I was never a fan of support groups. I’m far from shy. But sharing my deepest and darkest in a room full of strangers seemed, I don’t know….weird? When my father died I went to the hospice support group and encouraged my mother to do the same. When caring for my mother and raising my children became more of a daunting task, I searched online for comfort. What I found was a fabulous group of women feeling, acting and looking for the same things as me. I was lucky enough to discover Daughterhood. https://www.daughterhood.org/circles-2/baltimore/
Daughterhood is an incredible organization formed by an amazing woman, Anne Tumlinson, who has made advocating for our most vulnerable seniors at the legislative level her mission. You can read about the circle of women I began in my hometown. Selfishly, I started this group. Ironically, I have found more love and support from the women in the group, have helped others and have gained and maintained some new friendships.
#4 Let Go of the Guilt
This is my hardest reality. Guilt is a useless emotion. It tortures us. But we all experience guilt and I think caregivers experience it at record levels. Self-care and caregiving battle on the highest ground. In order to be a good caregiver, I need to care for myself. But, if I care for myself, I will have to step away from caring for other. I struggle with this. Yet still, I get my nails done. I go out for a night with girlfriends, I choose to stay home and watch Netflix, I listen to a Jay Shetty podcast. Without even knowing, I am providing self care. Take a bath, pour some wine, read that book, take a nap! These acts are all unworthy of guilt but you are worthy of them.